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"Tips for entering Couples Therapy"
by Mark Bakal x314
- A client must be willing to examine oneself. If you are entering therapy to find your partner guilty as charged, think again.
- Marriage takes work and the most difficult part can be avoiding blame.
- Couples don't need to be compatible. They only need to be willing to go on the journey together. People often feel marriage can only work if the partners are compatible. Couples often pick someone whom they initially seem to be quite compatible with only to find out that they have many differences. It is exactly these differences that attracted you to each other on an unconscious level. These differences can be the keys to growing as individuals and a couple.
- If an issue is "hot", there is an opportunity for growth. Most couples have one or two conflicts that they perform repeatedly. These "hot" topics usually have a history of their own for each partner that pre-dates the relationship. Thus, it is helpful to uncover the history and underlying needs for these "hot" issues, so partners can support each other vs. repeat the same fight.
- If you catch yourself thinking, "if only he/she loved me they would know what I need"----FORGET IT, THIS IS A COMMON, BUT UNREALISTIC MYTH. You must directly educate your partner on how to meet your needs.
- When a partner hits a "wall" and no longer "feels love" it isn't necessarily the end. This dynamic can often indicate that they have gone so long without their underlying needs being met that they are numb and/or resentful. This numbness and resentment can taint feelings of love. Thus, the task is to learn to meet each other's underlying needs to replenish that feeling of "love".
For further information see web sites and books by Harville Hendrix, Gary Chapman, and John Gottman.